God Knows Me-WOW!

“God, if you’ll just get me out of this depression, I’ll do anything you want me to do.” Haunted by months of living in ‘the pit’, in desperation I fell flat on my face and cried out to the heavens.

**

I’m a failure and I know it. Feelings of guilt, fear and inadequacy
envelope my whole being, hiding the brilliant-blue northern sky from my
view. Nothing makes any sense. My husband and family love me, I have a great teaching position. It’s not enough.

My heart races while preparing lessons. Then, with great effort, I enter the classroom.
I can’t wait for the day to end. The bell rings. I can’t wait to go to bed. Once comfortably tucked in for the night, sleep eludes me. I toss and turn and replay every negative scenario of my life. I’ll sleep away these
horrible feelings. I can’t settle down. I’ll laugh it off, cry it off. It doesn’t work. I long to awaken to a new day, experiencing the joy I once had. Despair walks on in.

My doctor writes his orders for my dismissal to the school board. Across the top of the form, in big letters: POOR MENTAL HEALTH. Three words read like a death sentence, its message screaming ‘Loser’.

I drag one foot, then the other as I leave the doctor’s office, my ‘best
teacher dream’ ripped to shreds. Anti depressants now part of my daily intake, I’m in the middle of a major depression. I don’t know how to get out. Once freed of the classroom responsibility, each day emphasizes my failure.
Months pass by in slow motion. Each attempt to crawl out of the slimy pit meets with another slippery slide further down. Darkness presents fear and daylight brings longing for night. “Oh God, please get me out of this horror.”

Have you ever felt such desperation? You are not alone. David expresses it so well in this scripture.

Psalm 13:1,2,5 “How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? But I trust in your unfailing love, my heart rejoices in your salvation.”

There is hope for you, too.
Many years after my prayer of despair, I discovered a Biblically-based book, Why Do I Feel So Down When My Faith Should keep me Up by Dr. Grant Mullen. Now called Emotionally Free, this book addresses mental health issues with a balanced approach.
I’m so thankful that Dr. Grant has partnered with Words T Inspire to provide resources to those facing depression or any other mental illness. Check out his website.

http://drgrantmullen.com/about/

I’d love to hear from you.

2 Comments

  1. Ruth A on September 13, 2013 at 3:01 pm

    Thank you Ruth for sharing this … it does feel good knowing that God hears and sees us in the secret places of our thoughts, feelings and circumstances.
    I believe He has a plan for each one of my girls … and I am learning to trust as I believe.
    Ruth x

    • WordsToInspire on September 13, 2013 at 3:05 pm

      Ruth, I am convinced that God wants us to share each others burdens.(He did remind us in James) Little did I know when I said, I’ll do ANYTHING if You get me out of this depression, that God would want me to open up my deepest secrets!
      Such a wonderful adventure. Thanks for sharing with me.

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